The First 5 Royal Decrees of King Little Donald the First

On January 7, 2024 at his coronation, we will finally anoint King Little Donald, or as his official title reads, “King Little Donald Drumpf-Putin of Littlehands, Dear Leader of the White Nation of America, and All the White Oppressed Men of the World, the First and Onliest.” And the world will be great again.

When Little Don gets his way and no longer has to even play propaganda with that nasty free press — they were never really a worthy opponent — or waste time with all that checks-and-balances nonsense, he’ll have some important edicts to declarize and declarate. But the first thing we’ll all want to do is recite our pledge of allegiance:

“I pledge allegiance and eternal loyalty to King Little Donald Drumfputin the Onliest, Leader of the Whites, He of Great Orangins and the Biggliest words, who brought us out of the land of Hillary (Lock Her Up), saved us from Kenyan insurrectionists, globalization and the Others, and made fast food, pollution, inequality, intolerance, and ignorance respectable again. Long live the Little One.”

With that we present the King’s initial list of kingly decrees:

1. Spelling is optional. It was always overrated.
2. Ideas are no longer acceptable. (That Orwell guy was so 60's! I think it was the 60’s, right? No imagination! It was the 60’s because I said it was.)
3. Verbally talking is best. If you have to talk, do it verbally. No writing.
4. Except if you have to write, it must be 256 letters or less… fewer… under that. And you must use the DrummfputinTwitter app, Vladivostok Version. Anyone caught using prior versions will be sentenced to work in my cabinet. Look how that’s ended for those people.
5. When you speak verbally or any other way, you must always wait five minutes and then say the exact opposite thing. Anyone stating something without complete obfuscation will be branded a hater of the truth, and must wear a Fake News star on their forehead for the rest of their lives.

And now for some less important items that someone told me to say:

1. All food products must list the percentage of the first three ingredients, with no bullshit. All sugar forms that are added must be combined into one percentage value.
2. All number things must be metric because the King always had trouble with fractions. Just don’t use your numbers for any of that scientific stuff… too much like ideas.
3. All clothing sizes must use dimensions (metric) not stupid artificial scales like “Kids’ Size 3.” Who came up with that rigmarole?
4. No contracts can require nor promise silence on a matter other than the protection of intellectual property. Whenever the public courts are used to settle disputes, even if the suit never actually goes so far as appearing in court or getting to a settlement, there can be no agreements or conditions that silence any parties to the suit or other people. Neither requiring nor promising silence can be a condition of a suit or the resolution of a suit.
5. Public projects, meaning any that use public funds, must be conducted with at least two work shifts, and three where possible. This law will go through the natural phases of all good suggestions: 1) explaining why it’s impossible; 2) complaining why it’s bad for me; 3) making it happen; 4) admitting it seems to help everyone, gosh, who wudda guessed(?), I’m glad I thought of it.