The Demagogue’s Guide to Winning Elections
With the passing of The Little One, it is now left to his proteges, wannabes, and bootlickers to win elections all by their lonesome. Good luck with that. Gone is a genius at his craft, a master propagandist, and artist… in a word, a ‘natural.’ Do these newcomers have what it takes? Only time will tell, but here’s an issue-by-issue playbook to guide them through this difficult adolescence of their political, um, growth.
Abortion. This is your first gateway to success. Nail this one and it’s all smooth sailing. It doesn’t matter what the Constitution says, or what might be the best way to sustain a free society, or least of all what you actually believe about this issue. Your goal is to monetize fear and ignorance, not get mired in issues or genuine benefit to any constituency. Just tell people that abortion is evil, supported by the dems to promote communism, the welfare state, and political correctness.
Guns. If abortion is the gateway, guns are the main course. It doesn’t matter what the Constitution says, or what might be the best way to sustain a free society, or least of all what you actually believe about this issue. Your goal is to monetize fear and ignorance, not get mired in issues or genuine benefit to any constituency. Just tell people that the dems want to take your guns away, so the dems can enslave you in communism, the welfare state, and political correctness.
Immigration. Now you should be hitting your stride. Immigration is where you prove that you’re not just a mindless provocateur but someone who can really appeal to our core animal selfishness even when there’s just a few embers still glowing. It doesn’t matter what the Constitution says, or what might be the best way to sustain a free society, or least of all what you actually believe about this issue. Your goal is to monetize fear and ignorance, not get mired in issues or genuine benefit to any constituency. Just tell people that immigrants are evil and the dems want them to overrun America to promote communism, the welfare state, and political correctness. And make sure to tip your immigrant, under-the-table workers well.
Healthcare. This was a test to see if you’ve learned anything yet. If not, go back and read the first three. Sure America’s managed to turn healthcare into a huge prosperity wedge between the haves and have-nots, but we’re not running for election to solve problems or improve anyone’s life but our own. Is that clear? Are you slow or something? Focus!
Education. Now we move from the ‘real’ issues to an endless list of make-pretend issues. Unlike abortion, guns, and immigration — brain stem issues — the rest of the list is just dreary stuff that actually affects people’s lives. Listen carefully: these things might matter to some people but they are called Democrats. We are not running for office to get the votes of Democrats.
Do not get distracted by education, military spending, global warming, consumer safety or financial security or any of that mumbo jumbo. Not everyone is stupid, but if you stay on message you can always harness enough fear and ignorance to achieve your one goal: get elected and suck money out of all Americans — not just those who voted for you — for a lifetime. And if abortion, guns, and immigration swing one way or the other, you can simply change your position 180 degrees because you didn’t really care about them in the first place. Now get out there and lie.
