Only in Philadelphia
Philadelphia has long been enshrined in the pantheon of bad publicity. It is our supreme artform, more advanced than our world-class outdoor murals, municipal park, even our restaurants and street food. It keeps outsiders away as best we can. But we’re loosing our edge, so it’s time for a refresh.
Let me remind you of some of our greats. If you say ‘municipal fire,’ our picture is in the dictionary so-to-speak, showing the “Move (a neighborhood back to nature commune of sorts) Fire,” wherein our police department burned down an entire city block. Then there’s our treatment of the robot, Hitchbot, who after safely traveling the continent, was beheaded here and torn limb-by-limb. There’s the unprecedented 10,000 losses of our baseball team, a record even the Yankees could never touch! And on the related matter of fan behavior, we have a globally-respected trademark on “Throwing Snowballs at Santa Claus.” When sportscasters around the world see bad fan behavior, ours is the slam-dunk metaphor, an artwork of the first order. The rest of the world has long-ago given up competing with the geniuses of our Sales Prevention Department.
But that’s all old news that is losing its currency with the new generations, so we have been working hard to refresh our resume. Here is our work in progress, of “Only in Philadelphia”:
Let’s start with symbolism. Only in Philly could we spend $62 million to refurbish the outside of our pretty spectacular City Hall (image above), and end up accidentally making it two different colors.
Only in Philly could our country’s namesake ship, the SS United States, a still-record-holding craft, be left to rot, then dragged away to become a home for the fishes. It’s a bit of a take on the (alleged) South Philly treatment of “sleepin’ wit da fishes”… and perhaps a fitting parallel with the burial of our 250-year-old democracy. But even that was born here, so let us commence its funeral here.
Only in Philly could we have a public concourse under the busiest part of the city — under Broad Street from Market to Locust — unused forever. If you want to learn how NOT to do it (risking the attraction of visitors), look up Washington, DC’s Dupont Underground. What irresponsible idiots.
Only in Philly could we build an interstate highway (Route 676) through the city and put a horrible tangle of intersections and traffic lights on it. This is an oldie but I won’t let it go. And on the plus side, it does still aggravate thousands of would-be visitors every day.
Only in Philly could the swift precision of our municipal services inspire a TV show. Of course it’s not for the providing of any quality-of-life improvements, it’s for handing out parking tickets. Even when we give something a citizen-friendly name, it’s for “courtesy towing.” This is a practice where we tow cars out of the way of construction and other work, but end up hiding them from the owners, sometimes in timed parking spots… who subsequently pile up tickets, have their cars impounded, and can’t afford to buy them back. Brilliant!
Only in Philly could we have the world’s largest fully functioning pipe organ and risk its demise. I say put it on the SS United States. There’s gotta be a good fish pun here.
Only in Philly could we have a spectacular, full-block Greek Revival palace of a building, right on one of the world’s greatest boulevards— the Family Court — vacant for years.
And speaking of that boulevard, only here could we have such a beautiful promenade, a genuine tourist magnet, and have almost no restaurants, public bathrooms, or plentiful parking near it. There is one small establishment, but I challenge you to find it.
