Little Donald’s Simple Rules for Mail-In Voting

10. Make sure to postmark your ballot between November 6th and 9th but no later than the 14th. Use your own postmark to make sure there are no mistakes.

9. Use only the official USPS postal mail regulatory system the one with the boxes on the streetcorners or so they say and it’s best to wait in line at one of their stores. Very friendly people, the friendliest. My guy has a new friendliness program going on there and they all learn how to smile and all that.

8. If you postmark it later than the 14th that’s OK because you get an extra quarter day per year in any four years that include a leap year.

7. Envelopes must be at least 8-and-a-half centrometers by 9.375 inches plus or minus 3/32 of an inch when you subtract the width from the girth. Check with UPS because they’re the only ones who know how big a girth is.

6. You must glue your envelope closed with an adhesive that has between 12 and 14 milli-newtons of stickiness. That’s somewhere between the glue I use for my hair and that cool, snot-like stuff they use when they mail you a credit card. I’ve collected a bunch of that stuff and use it to hold my tie to my fly. Very cool stuff. Whoever invented it should be president of the FDA or at least a supreme court judge. And the credit cards are handy too. I just use them until they start sending me lots of letters — did you know that’s how I bought a wife? — then I just put the letters on Mike Cohen’s desk.

5. Inside the envelope, the ballot must remain at least 1/4 inch from the edge of the envelope on all sides. If it’s touching the edge of the envelope you will be disqualified. If it’s on an angle, I wouldn’t be surprised if some guys in an unmarked van show up at your house to haul you away. If possible, follow the envelope on its entire journey to the polling place or wherever the hell it goes, to make sure it stays straight.

4. Make sure your ballot is wearing a mask.

3. Use a number 2 pencil. Maybe have someone else fill it out for you. Know any republicans? Is it fill it out or fill it in? I was never very good at forms. And if my parents would have let me have sharp objects like pencils I’m sure I would have done very well on that college test.

2. Make sure to mail your ballot from a red state even Jhina is OK cause that’s red.

1. Don’t worry about any of this if you’re me. I’ve been doing mail-in voting for years, no problem.