Cheapo Airline Seat Charges

jackbellis.com
2 min readJan 27, 2023

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Inspired by Key and Peele’s video “Boarding a Plane Shouldn’t Be This Hard ,” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qhxlZC8BZJ4

Boarding pass from an airplane, showing boarding group 1.

Attendant: Oh, I see you’ve moved over to take the empty window seat, sir. We’ll have to redo your amenities. Would you like our optional armrest service? Half, full, none?

Traveler: What? Oh, no the armrest is fine.

A: OK. (Slips 12-inch vertical wall over armrest, facing traveler’s side of armrest. Traveler looks aghast.)

A: How about our legroom service?

T: No, the legroom is fine. (Airbag inflates under seat in front of traveler, pushing his feet back.)

A: Would you like our seat recline service?

T: No, it’s fine. (Seat jerks upward, changing from 5-degree incline to bolt upright.)

A: How about seat cushion service?

T: What? (Seat cushions deflate or are forcibly removed.)

A: Food-and-drink-in-and-out service?

T: (Confused look) I don’t want anything to eat or drink.

A: But bathrooms… liquid, solid, or both?

T: WHAT? You have bathrooms just for peeing?

A: (Points behind to bathrooms with big numbers 1 and 2 on them) Yes, we’re very proud of the design. Would you like to see?

A: Let’s move on. Air in and out?

T: (Reaches up to feel the blower fan) It’s fine.

A: No ‘out’ air? (Traveler raises eyebrows. Clear plastic window shade drops down from above over armrest… ideally a full enclosure like a hospital oxygen tent. Fog starts forming inside.)

A: (Speaking louder) How about our lighting service? (Traveler looks up at attendant, perplexed. Black window shade drops down from above, over armrest.

A: One last thing sir, please make sure to fill out our online customer service survey. Would you like to pay for Wifi for that?

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