A Conversation with Founding Fathers Techsupport
Founding Fathers: Hello, Founding Fathers Techsupport. This call may be recorded for quality control. This is John, James, George, or something. How can I help y’all today?
Lindsey Graham: Oh, howdy. We’re havin’ a problem with a stress test, I mean a massive fucking stress test, something like never before.
FF: Well thank you for calling. And who am I speaking to and why are you the lucky one chosen to call?
LG: This is Lindsey Graham. Apparently it was either me or Al Franken ’cause we’re the only ones who gave a shit, and Franken hasn’t stopped laughing since January 20th, so it’s me. Besides, between the dumb jokes and the way he thinks he’s one of you guys, he would never get around to the real issue.
FF: And that issue is…?
LG: Well, we have this guy tryin to pretty much test every single idea you guys had. I mean he’s attacking it all like Jabba the Hut goin after a Baked Alaska…
FF: Alaska?
LG: I mean this guy is a con-man, shyster, sleazeball like nothin we’ve ever seen. He’s pretty much proven he’s the worlds biggest asshole and he’s barely getting started. He makes self-respecting despots like Mussolini look, um, sophisticated… but he’s just chickenshit… even got chicken arms. And he’s trying to undo it all!
FF: We love a good stress test. Usually nothing to worry about. Well, I think you’ll be happy to hear that I have great news for you. But first, what’s this guy’s name?
LG: We call him Little Donald. So what’s the great news?
FF: Well, this guy will never even be close to the Oval Office! We put a safety valve in the election process to make sure that, even if the People get so pissed off at you and Al that they’ll elect a chicken-armed, five-year old with a single-celled brain… even if they’re down to that… there’s a group of sentient human beings representing the states, who can dismiss the popular vote and select a real human being, even if it’s someone like Gerald Ford, or Newt Gingrich, or Ted Cruz. Um, hold on I’m thinking about that one.
LG: Johnjames — can I call you that — you don’t understand. He’s already President.
FF: WHAT THE FUCK?! Are you guys morons? We set up this perfect system and you fucked it up in less than five hundred years? Are you really our descendants?
LG: I think so, but you gotta understand, the Electoral College is an ‘emergency system.’ And emergency systems always have a critical flaw and it’s this: because they’re hardly ever used, they’re hardly ever able to be used when they’re needed. Sometimes it’s lack of maintenance, sometimes trust or familiarity. It’s the ultimate Achilles Heel… baked in. Besides we were worried there would be a hillbilly revolt if we didn’t elect him. And those people have guns, big guns… in case you didn’t know.
FF: Like my friend James Madison says, the biggest gun on earth can only kill one politician at a time. So what’s the big deal?
LG: Uh, no. We have guns that can wipe out three branches of government with pretty much a single squeeze of the trigger.
FF: Is that so? That’s not one of Franklin’s contraptions, is it? How long did he live anyway? Make it to 150, did ‘e? Well look, if you’re so hamstrung by the militias, you just need to adjust that second amendment, that’s all.
LG: No we loves our Constitution. So much we hardly ever change it.
FF: Jibberjabber! We changed the damn thing before the ink was even dry enough for fakes to be worth anything. They’re called amendments. Notice it starts with A-M-E-N. Don’t you guys know anything about history?
LG: We love history too… as long as it stays the same and it supports our rationalizations… and lets us make a buck… and keeps us geezers in office until you can’t tell if we’re actually walking corpses. (Have you seen that grizzly Grassley lately?) But getting back to the guns. If you guys would have just made guns a states-rights thing like you did with religion — you know, “Congress shall make no law, blah, blah, blah” — we wouldn’t be in this mess. I mean, you got states where you need a gun to kill varmints for entertainment, and others where you need one just to get from your car to your doorstep. Those are called big cities. All our states are very different but you made one law for all of ‘em.
FF: No, YOU have different states. WE had 13 o’ the same. So okay, we had a little brain fart and weren’t able to see 250 years into the future. Well, excuuuuuuuse me. And now it’s our fault? Reminds me of the old techsupport joke, you know, the hot air balloon… “you’re lost and now it’s my fault.” Look it up on the Internet.
LG: So what do we do now? We’ve got the world’s biggest asshole for President, and we probably shoot each other more times in a day than the rest of the civilized world does in a year. But on the plus side, our gun deaths are minor compared to car accidents! So it’s not all bad.
FF: Wow, you guys do have some advanced thinking. Here’s what ya do. You ride it out with this Little Donald, ’cause stress testing is just as important as trying out those emergency system every 50 years or so, right? Who knows what’ll happen with chicken wing, but fer sure you’ll learn some things. Maybe you’ll even grow a pair of balls and put some of what you learn into the constitution. It was never meant to be “ours,” it was meant to be “yours.” Got all that? I’d suggest you start with term limits, because you might just be a walking corpse yourself.
LG: Good stuff. I’ll tell Al when he calms down. Oh, one last thing I wanted to ask about. We’ve got this new covfefe about soldiers who are transgender…
FF: Say what?
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